Conflict management

Irritated? Frustrated? Angry? Ready to explode? You're not alone. Whether it's an argument with a friend, aggravation because a driver cuts in front of you, or a disagreement about the best way to do a job -- conflict is part of everyday life. Conflict produces stress, hurts friendships, and can cause injury and death. We can't always avoid conflict, but we can learn to manage it without violence. That way, we use conflict to improve our lives and to learn from past mistakes.

What skills are needed to manage personal conflict?

1. Understanding your own feelings about conflict. This means recognizing your "triggers" -- words or actions that immediately provoke an emotional response, like anger. It could be a facial expression, a tone of voice, a pointing finger, a certain phrase. Once you know your "triggers," you can better control your emotions.
2. Active listening. Go beyond hearing just words; try to understand what the other person is saying. Listen carefully, instead of thinking about what you're going to say next. Active listening requires concentration and body language that says you are paying attention.
3. Generating options for resolving a conflict. Many people can think of only two ways to manage conflict: fighting or avoiding the problem. Get the facts straight; brainstorm all ideas that might help resolve the argument; and discuss the pros, cons, and consequences.

Moving away from confrontation and towards agreement

1. Look at your response to conflict. If your style isn't working -- you're left with raging emotions that lead to more problems -- try to change.
2. State your needs and define the problem. Talk about the issues without insulting or blaming the other person. Don't state your position; that's simply your solution to the problem. Take a hard look at what is said (position) with what is really meant (needs).
3. Together, discuss various ways of meeting needs or solving the problem. Be flexible and open-minded.
4. Decide who will be responsible for specific actions after reaching agreement on a plan.